My Friendship Mantra #3: Do NOT Look for Your Mirror Image!

During the second week of my MBA, the professors dropped a bombshell on the cohort. Instead of our ‘friends’, we would be put in a group with random people. These groups would team up for the biggest project of the academic year. By then, all of us had found ourselves in different social groups: by personality, ethnicity or common interests. The MBA cohort had people from 20+ different nationalities. Each ‘new’ team had folks from different countries, age group and backgrounds.

                So, how did this social experiment turn out? At least in my team’s case, it was a DISASTER. We were all so used to studying and working with people like us that we didn’t realize the HUGE differences. We differed in terms of punctuality, division of labor and accountability. Add in different personality types and you have a volatile mix. [We actually ended up getting a big, fat ZERO for the project, but that’s another post!] But what was a failure in terms of grades was an incredible win in terms of life lessons. The experience taught me that working and dealing with people different from you should be the NORM and not the EXCEPTION. This is true not just for school or work, but also friendship. We failed not because we were different, but because we didn’t know how to capitalize on our similarities and mitigate our differences.

From the time we’re toddlers, we seek people that are like us. Alike in personality, in behavior and maybe even in looks. If you go to a kindergarten, you will see rowdy boys jumping in a corner and some quieter ones playing with blocks in a corner. In schools, you will see a variety of cliques. Nowadays, you can belong to a few different groups and break stereotypes, but generally birds of a feather flock together. The studious ones will stick together and so will the back benchers. People from the same community or ethnicity will also form a group. These groups provide a safe haven and a common ground.

Look at yourself in the mirror. No, I won’t ask you to repeat – “I love you!” I have tried that and it just makes me laugh. What do you see in the mirror? Do you see a happy go lucky person staring back at you? Or is that person an introvert that prefers the company of books rather than people? Are you a party animal or someone that loves animals? [I see a hardworking, stubborn person with sun spots who apparently looks like she’s from Ecuador!]

Here’s my suggestion. This is relevant esp. if you are in a new place or at some event. Do NOT look for people that are like you, escape from that comfort zone. [I am not suggesting you run away from folks of your community]. But take the opportunity to know someone completely different from you. Once you keep your mind open and take that risk, you will open a world of possibilities. Once you STOP looking for your mirror image, you can explore and fully appreciate the diversity that exists in the world in terms of cultures, ideas and personalities. Trust me on this: The best conversations and the best friendships I’ve had are with people that look or act nothing like me.

My Friendship Mantra #2: Be Prepared For Epic Failures!

A few years ago, a friend of mine invited me for a movie. When I reached the mall, she handed me her kid and proceeded to the movie with her husband. I was in shock!!! I thought I probably misunderstood her and let it go. But when such incidents kept happening, it was clear that she didn’t see me as a FRIEND but as a BABYSITTER! If she were upfront with me and asked for help, I would readily do anything for her.

Here’s the bitter truth. There WILL be folks who will disrespect you, walk all over you and treat you like a commodity. There WILL be toxic people that will suck out the very air you breathe. There WILL be so called friends that will ALWAYS laugh AT you but never WITH you. There WILL be those that will make you feel like you are not worthy of LOVE, FRIENDSHIP and HAPPINESS.

The reason I put importance on this mantra is as follows: Unless you let go of these negative people, you can NEVER move forward and reclaim your self-esteem and happiness. Unless you realize that such failures are inevitable, you will stay stuck in the vicious cycle of self-doubt and misery. My suggestion to you is this: Cut your losses and break free from the people that bring you down. Be open to feedback and listen to people when they point out your weaknesses and flaws. But if ALL they do is focus on your shortcomings, walk away. NOW!

We invest a lot of time and emotions in friendships. Sometimes, the investment and the foolish hope that people will change is what makes us stay. However, it is wiser to consider FAILED FRIENDSHIPS as a sunk cost and move on. The other alternative is to pay a monthly payment of your dignity and joy. You choose what you prefer!

My Friendship Mantra #1: Be Real!

I spent four years as an undergraduate student in the United States. Out of the hundreds of people that I crossed paths with, I remember the name of one person: my roommate Lan. I don’t recall the names of my other roommates or project teammates and have vague memories of what they looked like. Can you guess how many people remember me? ZERO!!!

                I am not surprised by this number. As a foreign student in the US, I tried ‘adapting’ to the situation and was always trying to fit in. I wanted to blend in. I used to think that if I stood out, it was a bad thing. I wanted to change my name and be called something AMERICAN like ‘Kate’ or ‘Sara’. I used to get super embarrassed if people didn’t understand my accent. I didn’t like being unique or exotic. This attitude permeated not just the external matters, but who I was as a person too. I was hesitant to show the ‘real’ me since I was different in many ways. I didn’t want to voice my opinion because I didn’t want any confrontation. What all this meant was that I wasn’t authentic and hence memorable.

                What I know now is that being REAL is mandatory in friendships. You have to share your dreams and your fears. You have to show your insecurities and your vulnerabilities. You have to have the courage to be who you are, what you are..even if you think you are weird. Very often, we are so focused on showing the world ‘our good side’ and our positivity and our upbeat nature. We try to hide our scars and our bad days and our negativity. I strongly believe we have to accept all that we are; good or bad. People close to me know I am a bit dominating, impatient and emotional. I feel I can conquer the world, but eating alone brings me down. I am easy-going on most issues, but have very strong opinions about a few things. I forgive but never forget. Just as I am okay with my freckles and my nose ring, I am totally fine with who I am as a person.