My Friendship Mantra #3: Do NOT Look for Your Mirror Image!

During the second week of my MBA, the professors dropped a bombshell on the cohort. Instead of our ‘friends’, we would be put in a group with random people. These groups would team up for the biggest project of the academic year. By then, all of us had found ourselves in different social groups: by personality, ethnicity or common interests. The MBA cohort had people from 20+ different nationalities. Each ‘new’ team had folks from different countries, age group and backgrounds.

                So, how did this social experiment turn out? At least in my team’s case, it was a DISASTER. We were all so used to studying and working with people like us that we didn’t realize the HUGE differences. We differed in terms of punctuality, division of labor and accountability. Add in different personality types and you have a volatile mix. [We actually ended up getting a big, fat ZERO for the project, but that’s another post!] But what was a failure in terms of grades was an incredible win in terms of life lessons. The experience taught me that working and dealing with people different from you should be the NORM and not the EXCEPTION. This is true not just for school or work, but also friendship. We failed not because we were different, but because we didn’t know how to capitalize on our similarities and mitigate our differences.

From the time we’re toddlers, we seek people that are like us. Alike in personality, in behavior and maybe even in looks. If you go to a kindergarten, you will see rowdy boys jumping in a corner and some quieter ones playing with blocks in a corner. In schools, you will see a variety of cliques. Nowadays, you can belong to a few different groups and break stereotypes, but generally birds of a feather flock together. The studious ones will stick together and so will the back benchers. People from the same community or ethnicity will also form a group. These groups provide a safe haven and a common ground.

Look at yourself in the mirror. No, I won’t ask you to repeat – “I love you!” I have tried that and it just makes me laugh. What do you see in the mirror? Do you see a happy go lucky person staring back at you? Or is that person an introvert that prefers the company of books rather than people? Are you a party animal or someone that loves animals? [I see a hardworking, stubborn person with sun spots who apparently looks like she’s from Ecuador!]

Here’s my suggestion. This is relevant esp. if you are in a new place or at some event. Do NOT look for people that are like you, escape from that comfort zone. [I am not suggesting you run away from folks of your community]. But take the opportunity to know someone completely different from you. Once you keep your mind open and take that risk, you will open a world of possibilities. Once you STOP looking for your mirror image, you can explore and fully appreciate the diversity that exists in the world in terms of cultures, ideas and personalities. Trust me on this: The best conversations and the best friendships I’ve had are with people that look or act nothing like me.

My Friendship Mantra #2: Be Prepared For Epic Failures!

A few years ago, a friend of mine invited me for a movie. When I reached the mall, she handed me her kid and proceeded to the movie with her husband. I was in shock!!! I thought I probably misunderstood her and let it go. But when such incidents kept happening, it was clear that she didn’t see me as a FRIEND but as a BABYSITTER! If she were upfront with me and asked for help, I would readily do anything for her.

Here’s the bitter truth. There WILL be folks who will disrespect you, walk all over you and treat you like a commodity. There WILL be toxic people that will suck out the very air you breathe. There WILL be so called friends that will ALWAYS laugh AT you but never WITH you. There WILL be those that will make you feel like you are not worthy of LOVE, FRIENDSHIP and HAPPINESS.

The reason I put importance on this mantra is as follows: Unless you let go of these negative people, you can NEVER move forward and reclaim your self-esteem and happiness. Unless you realize that such failures are inevitable, you will stay stuck in the vicious cycle of self-doubt and misery. My suggestion to you is this: Cut your losses and break free from the people that bring you down. Be open to feedback and listen to people when they point out your weaknesses and flaws. But if ALL they do is focus on your shortcomings, walk away. NOW!

We invest a lot of time and emotions in friendships. Sometimes, the investment and the foolish hope that people will change is what makes us stay. However, it is wiser to consider FAILED FRIENDSHIPS as a sunk cost and move on. The other alternative is to pay a monthly payment of your dignity and joy. You choose what you prefer!

My Friendship Mantra #1: Be Real!

I spent four years as an undergraduate student in the United States. Out of the hundreds of people that I crossed paths with, I remember the name of one person: my roommate Lan. I don’t recall the names of my other roommates or project teammates and have vague memories of what they looked like. Can you guess how many people remember me? ZERO!!!

                I am not surprised by this number. As a foreign student in the US, I tried ‘adapting’ to the situation and was always trying to fit in. I wanted to blend in. I used to think that if I stood out, it was a bad thing. I wanted to change my name and be called something AMERICAN like ‘Kate’ or ‘Sara’. I used to get super embarrassed if people didn’t understand my accent. I didn’t like being unique or exotic. This attitude permeated not just the external matters, but who I was as a person too. I was hesitant to show the ‘real’ me since I was different in many ways. I didn’t want to voice my opinion because I didn’t want any confrontation. What all this meant was that I wasn’t authentic and hence memorable.

                What I know now is that being REAL is mandatory in friendships. You have to share your dreams and your fears. You have to show your insecurities and your vulnerabilities. You have to have the courage to be who you are, what you are..even if you think you are weird. Very often, we are so focused on showing the world ‘our good side’ and our positivity and our upbeat nature. We try to hide our scars and our bad days and our negativity. I strongly believe we have to accept all that we are; good or bad. People close to me know I am a bit dominating, impatient and emotional. I feel I can conquer the world, but eating alone brings me down. I am easy-going on most issues, but have very strong opinions about a few things. I forgive but never forget. Just as I am okay with my freckles and my nose ring, I am totally fine with who I am as a person.

                

Eating Right!

Some of my favorite foods are chicken alfredo and mac & cheese. While I am consciously trying to eat healthy, my plans go down the drain when I see these items on the menu.

My yoga teacher connected food to the various gunas and I found it very interesting. 'Guna' refers to the quality or attribute in everything and comes from Hindu philosophy. 

There are 3 types of gunas:

- Rajas

- Tamas

- Sattva

Rajas refers to fast, active and aggressive qualities. If you think in terms of food, a good example would be spicy chicken wings. Before you consume them, you do realize that you'll pay later for the spiciness. But they pair well with beer while watching sports and you have them anyway. Spicy and fried foods have rajasic elements.

Tamas refers to slow, dark and chaotic qualities. You can think of chicken alfredo as an example. It has a lot of calories and you know beforehand that it is an unhealthy choice. Once you eat a heavy meal like that, you feel slow and sleepy. Processed foods and heavy meats have tamasic elements.

Sattva refers to harmony, balance and joy. Some example of sattvic foods are whole grains, fruits and vegetables. A salad (like in the pic above) has sattvic elements and is good for the body and soul.

I will make an effort to choose food items that have the sattvic guna and eat right. I hope the switch will help me become healthier and more balanced.

What is the WHY?

On Feb 27th, my Toastmasters home club held the International Speech contest as well as the Evaluation contest. Normally, I’m pretty good with getting a draft ready and keeping enough time for preparation. I have always believed that it doesn’t matter if I win/lose or if my speech is far from perfect. I don’t want people to say that I wasn’t prepared…I will always respect the time of my evaluators and the audience.

But this time something was different. For some reason, I was struggling to pen down any thoughts for my speech. I knew what I wanted to talk about, but it took forever to put my idea on paper. It was almost as if I had severe writer’s block…it felt like I was having an internal battle. I had butterflies in my stomach the day before and couldn’t sleep much that night. Fortunately, the judges liked my speech and I won both categories. YAY!!

I have watched a ton of YouTube videos of past champions and speakers. Almost every one of them has mentioned that before you embark on a journey towards becoming the World Champion of Public Speaking, you should really THINK. Think about the WHY. Why do you want to do this? Why do you want to participate in the contests? Is it the fame or recognition that attracts you? Is it the adrenaline rush of speaking in front of a large audience?

I have thought about my ‘why’ for a long time and have come up with two reasons. Firstly, I feel that I should share my story with people. You never know how or who your story can impact. Maybe it will make a difference in someone's life. More importantly, I am one of the few people from my country that are part of a district and can participate in speech contests. I do feel a responsibility to represent Nepal in the world arena and get some visibility for the Toastmasters movement there.

Wish me luck for the next rung of the contests!

Habits

Over the years, I have read many books on habits and behavior. Basically, if you want to set good habits, you should continue to do the same task for a certain amount of time. Usually, the time suggested is a few weeks. So if you want to be fit, get up at a certain time each day and go for a run/walk. 

I am great at following a schedule and have cultivated several positive habits. I try to exercise at least few times a week. I eat well. I try to get enough sleep. What I realized though, is that habitual activities only work under normal circumstances. When I am busy or stressed, I throw out the two most important habits: sleep and exercise. I survive weeks with only 4 hours of sleep (turning into a zombie in the process) and become a couch potato. Procrastination and excuses are easy when you have other priorities. 

The good news is that I finally got enough sleep last night. My phone was switched off and I was able to put my insomniac self to rest. I also managed to fit in a yoga class in my schedule. I was back in the studio after weeks, so was super out of balance. During the tree pose, I looked like an unstable shrub. Doing Suryanamaskar was a challenge and I struggled at times. But I made it to the end of the class and the calmness stayed with me throughout the day.

Just hope I can keep these habits up!

Back to School!

I just attended a two-day course to TRY to learn a new skill. What interested me more than the actual content of the workshop were the side-perks or the additional learning from the experience. 

Some of my realizations are as follows:

• -          Inability to be a true student

I am not sure if age is the culprit, but I found it hard to concentrate during some parts of the course. I was a nerd back in high school/college and was always stationed at the front desk during lectures. But this time, I was yawning away and overdosing on coffee. It hit me that work allows us to do short bursts of activity and that’s what I have become accustomed to. Boredom also seemed to creep in when the instructor was not engaging the class. When we had team activities and immersions, people were charged up. The fun aspect helped us internalize the content better. But when it was just plain old theories, people lost interest. It was a realization that speakers & teachers need to work extra hard to keep the connection to the audience.

• -          Dependence on tech gadgets

We were not allowed to use our phones and laptops during the workshop, except during breaks. This was PURE TORTURE!! I hadn’t realized how hard it is to control our automated behavior – to swipe our smartphone and ‘be connected’. Not being able to browse websites and check emails/social media sites were probably the causes for the boredom. When we did get breaks, what did people do? Did they talk to their neighbors, network or discuss ideas? NO!!! Everyone immediately opened their smartphone or tech gadget and had their fill. Nobody takes cigarette breaks anymore; Facebook has become the smoking break for the general population.

• -          Gratitude for disruptive ideas

Being a new driver, I prefer using Uber to navigating unknown/far places myself. Esp. when public transportation is not available, Uber is the best option. It is a pain to call cabs, they are inefficient and expensive. Uber has solved so many problems of people like me. I can relax and get to my destination, I already know the cost/time and I can track it. So, while taking Uber, I thought about disruptive technologies and how our lives have changed because of them. Some people had the courage to think outside the box and create something different. This changed the entire dynamics of the industry. 

Of tattoos & things!

When I was 18, I went to a tattoo parlor to get inked. I wanted my boyfriend's name and he refused (saying that it was bad luck). I browsed through the catalog, but couldn't pick any that I liked. Over the years, I have done an extensive research on tattoos around the world. Still, no luck.

FINALLY, I did decide on something that I am happy to look at everyday. It is small, personal and has a meaning for me.

My father died when I was in high school. Our world fell apart into a thousand pieces and my family has since been picking up the pieces. It has been ages, but life still feels incomplete. I am so blessed in my life, but I could trade all that in a heartbeat to go back and have my dad with us.

As I grow older, I have come to a harsh realization. I remember him less and less each year; his little quirks, how he used to speak, how he used to behave. His memories are slowly becoming a blur…..and it scares me! Not only just because I am forgetting my dad, but because I am forgetting my past. I am forgetting the person I was before I became the person I am today. Change is normally a good thing, but sometimes you need to hold on to the familiar things.

That’s when the idea of a tattoo came back. I WANTED, no NEEDED a reminder of life and love. The people in your life might not be there tomorrow, but the love will ALWAYS be there. The infinity symbol signifies eternity. The letters on the bottom of the infinity read ‘Prem’. It’s my dad’s name – both our names have the same meaning – LOVE.

So, my tattoo basically means ‘ETERNAL LOVE. It’s a small ode to my dad. My first love might have been lost, but lives for eternity within me.   

Lessons from 'The Lion King'

Yesterday, I went to watch 'the Lion King' at the Minskoff Theatre in New York City. This Broadway show had been on my wish list for a while and I am so glad I got to watch it. It was a visual treat; the colorful costumes, extravagant sets and exotic music added to the magical experience.

There were a few takeaways for me from the show:

1. Hakuna Matata

This Swahili phrase means 'don't worry, be happy'. It is such a simple notion, yet we always forget it. We're so busy in our rat race that taking a chill pill seems impossible. We're running after a good education, a good job, a good life...and forget that sometimes, the journey is more important than the destination. We forget how to enjoy the ride..and we forget to count our blessings. This saying reminded me that I need to stop, take a step back and be grateful for what I have. It also helped me remember that certain things in life are beyond my control and that I shouldn't waste my energy worrying about them. I should try to do the best with the things I DO have control over.

2. Your past will always be there; you can either run from it or learn from it.

If you don't know the story of the Lion King, it is about the lion cub Simba. He runs away from home since he thinks he is responsible for his father's death. Eventually, he comes to his senses and comes back to reclaim his rightful throne and home. What keeps him away for so long? Fear, embarrassment, doubt..

In our attempt to create a beautiful future, we sometimes try to alienate our past and dissociate from it. I know I did at times! But what we fail to realize is that we are a sum total of our past experiences, emotions and energies. Our mistakes and our failures make us who and what we are. If we stop running from our past and let it teach us valuable lessons, we will emerge stronger & better than before.

So, relax and enjoy the present!